The Somewhat Awkward Bromance of Naruto & Sasuke
by Ketsui Meraki
Summary: The one where Naruto wonders how he ended up as the responsible one while Sasuke contemplates the benefits of suicide to avoid the shitstorm up ahead and both decide to have a bromance instead. SI. Ch 2: "Damn it, Naruto! Do your main character duties and saveeee meeeee!"
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Somewhat Awkward Bromance of Naruto and Sasuke

Summary: The one where Naruto wonders how he ended up as the responsible one while Sasuke contemplates the benefits of suicide to avoid the shitstorm up ahead and both decide to have a bromance instead.

Dsiclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

Warnings: Mentions of suicide, self-inserts, comic relief kissing, gender confusion. Not necessarily in that order.

 **~~~~~~~~~~~~ _Chapter 1: How do the self-inserts do it?_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 _~~~~~~~~Sasuke~~~~~~~_

SMOOCH!

Fairytales, she knew, had a tendency to idealize kissing. They were shown to be something magical, extraordinary, and wonderfully good. A kiss at the very end signified the happy ending of a story, where evil was finally vanquished and the heroine was swept away into the hero's arms. A kiss could signify transformation, turning an apparently insignificant frog into a prince. A kiss could represent awakening, allowing a slumbering princess to open her eyes to the adoring gaze of her beloved.

The point is, magical kisses were for fairy tales. So, why, pray tell, had she – someone practically allergic to any sort of romance except the fictional kind and who hadn't had a single boyfriend her entire life – just experienced a so called magical kiss?! While she supposed it could count as an awakening since she had finally opened her eyes in a sense, or maybe a transformation since she certainly wasn't who she was before, it certainly didn't signify a happy ending and did it even count as a kiss when it was between twelve-year-olds?!

The dark haired boy – _no, girl –_ blanched, reality sadistically punching his – _her –_ gut as he – _she_ – realized what happened, which caused the now gender confused person to forcefully shove away the blonde boy touching his _her_ lips.

 _Naruto, twelve years old, team assignment day._ It was right after graduation day, which had been circled in red the calendar in his apartment. _Wait, was I the type of person who circled dates on calendars? Actually, scratch that, I had an apartment of my own?!_

"Naruto," someone – Sakura – hissed viciously, bringing me back to the present.

 _Oh my god, I just kissed Naruto. Fuck, I just kissed a twelve year old._ Immediately, his – _her_ – face greened, and the child – _adult –_ laid a hand on the table for balance. Because, it was Naruto, that idiot, a _twelve_ year old, that annoying _usurantonkachi._

"Naruto," Sasuke said blankly, softly, because she was by some twist of fate in Naruto, the story, awakened with that stupid kiss, and because Naruto, that fucking idiot, had just accidently kissed him. An almost incoherent rage enveloped his _her_ mind, fury at the sudden transmigration, annoyance at the idiot for his silly antics, anger because fucking hell, that was his _her_ first kiss in both lives. Unfortunately, he could only express anger for two of those.

And Sasuke, whether a university student in another world or a revenge obsessed child in this world, was extremely good at avoiding problems he couldn't solve. Unfortunately for Naruto, that meant that all of Sasuke's anger was being channeled towards him.

Sasuke stalked forward with a still scarily blank face, and braved the horde of fangirls beating up Naruto. Deftly, he navigated the flying limbs and picked up the blonde idiot, who scowled at him and started yelling how it was his fault.

"Sasuke-kun, what–"

He wasn't particularly good at witty banter, in either lifetime, so Sasuke let his actions do the talking for him. He let his anger take over, and lifted Naruto up over his head.

"Sasuke, you bastard! What the hell do you think–"

Sasuke didn't let Naruto finish. With a graceful movement, he threw the blond, then watched calmly as Naruto went sailing out the window, screaming all the while. Sasuke then stepped forward and closed the window, making sure Naruto couldn't get back in that way.

Silence reigned in the classroom, everyone staring at him with wide eyes.

After a few seconds, Sasuke felt obliged to fill it. "It's called defenestration," he said politely, because both his parents had raised him to be polite. Then, as an afterthought, he added, "The act of throwing someone out the window, I mean."

They were on the first floor, so Sasuke wasn't particularly concerned. At any rate, Naruto was a jinchuriki. He'd be fine. Probably. He felt a little guilty, since twelve-year-old Naruto was such a childishly cute character, but on the other hand, Naruto had _kissed_ him. That was utterly unforgivable. Yup, Sasuke nodded, Naruto had gotten what he deserved. He ignored Naruto's banging and screaming at the window, demanding to be let back in.

Instead, he went back to his seat, finally relaxing a little as Naruto gave up and went around to use the front door. Maybe he should start considering his whole self insert situation and how to get out of it? Nah, he decided after a moment of thought. He was going to avoid the problem until life hit him with a sledgehammer. Denial, denial, how he loved it so. Now, distraction, distraction, where ever could you be?

At that moment, Iruka entered the classroom. _You are the answer to my prayer,_ Sasuke thought gratefully, and sent out a quick prayer to whatever gods existed in this verse for Iruka's continued health.

The man in question froze, staring suspiciously at all of them, before appearing to finally come a conclusion and beaming. "My god, you guys grew up so fast. You were such a troublesome class, but it seems graduation has allowed you to not be as immature as always. I never thought I'd see the day where you'd all be sitting in your seats quietly by the time I entered. It was impossible, unthinkable, with all the insanity in you little brats, but it finally happened. I'm so proud!" Iruka blubbered and shed a tear or two of joy at the end. "This is the best graduation gift I could receive."

Sasuke didn't know whether to be glad the man was happy, admire the man's optimism, or to be annoyed at all the insults he'd given the class while simultaneously praising them.

"Sasuke-kun's responsible for it," someone blurted out.

Iruka's eyes fell upon him like a hawk. "Really?"

Sasuke blinked languidly. Was he? Were they all quiet since they were disturbed by his sudden violence? Or because they had seen the horrifying sight of Naruto and him kissing? Not quite sure how to answer, he defaulted. "Hn." There, a nice, Sasuke-like response. He was rocking this whole being Uchiha Sasuke thing, even if he had just thrown canon out the window. For now he would continue to act normally, lest he be captured by Anbu or something for acting out of character.

Iruka beamed at him, but there was a speculative gleam in his eyes which made Sasuke uneasy. "I'm sure you'll be an excellent shinobi, Sasuke. But if the whole active shinobi thing doesn't work out, you can always become a teacher here at the Academy!"

Sasuke imagined himself in charge of a classroom full of mini-Narutos, pranks at every corner, projectiles flying everywhere, mysterious substances smeared on the ceiling – and oh god, the _kissing –_ and flinched. He took back every nice thing he had thought about the man. Iruka was clearly trying to kill him. He must have seen Sasuke throw his favorite student out the window and had sneakily decided to take his revenge upon Sasuke like this. Sasuke considered how to politely tell Iruka where he could shove his idea, then realized he, as Sasuke, wasn't quite bound by social constraints like he had been before, and could in fact flat out tell Iruka what he thought. Delighted, he did exactly that, "Never."

Iruka's eyes hardened, and Sasuke could feel a recruitment speech coming on. He immediately upgraded Iruka from savior to Evil Recruitment Dolphin-Demon With Claws.

Thankfully, the dead-last finally stormed into the room. _"Sasuke!"_ he screeched furiously.

Oh look, his new savior. Okay distraction. Will give a five out of ten for successfully distracting Iruka, who had now been engaged in scolding Naruto. It still lacked flair though, so it could only be a five. And of course he had to take off some points since it was that idiot.

Iruka finally managed to get Naruto to sit down, though unfortunately he happened to place Naruto beside Sasuke. With a frown, Sasuke added further points to the Demon!Iruka theory, and scooted further away from Naruto, causing the boy to give him an indignant look. Sasuke quickly cast his eyes around before Naruto could make a move, and spotted a potential victim sitting behind him. He pounced. "Sakura. Sit next to me."

She lit up like a Chirstmas and eagerly jumped into the space between him and Naruto. "Really?" she asked with joy, ignoring Ino's muffled sound of outrage.

Sasuke looked at her blankly. If she wasn't sure, shouldn't she have asked before she sat there? Whatever, she was still a sacrifice who could protect him from Naruto, who was unlikely to pull tricks on him since his crush was right beside him. There, now he was temporarily immune to any retribution Naruto may have planned."Hn," he said in reply to Sakura.

She gave a squeal of excitement, looking at him stars in her eyes.

 _Oh,_ Sasuke thought with a wince as he belatedly remembered that Sakura was his fangirl. Oh dear.

What had he _done?_

~~~~~~~~ _Ino~~~~~~~~_

Ino wondered what she had done to deserve being put in a group with people like Shikamaru and Choji. Oh, that's right, she was born in the Yamanaka Clan, and thus had to be put in the Ino-Shika-Cho group. Which sucked, cause she'd really rather be with Sasuke! But since she had been put in a group with them, she supposed she could stand to eat lunch with them. Of course, they were sitting somewhere she could still see the room where Sasuke usually had lunch, or the window at least. Usually, the window was open to let in the breeze, but today it was basically closed, meaning Ino couldn't stare at her crush.

"What's Naruto doing?" Shikamaru wondered, sounding puzzled.

"Eh?" Ino wondered, turning to see that Naruto sneaking along the side of the wall and then peaking through the crack of the window. "Is he going to bother Sasuke-kun?" she wondered with a frown. "Seriously, considering Sasuke's in a mood today, he should just stop already."

Suddenly, Naruto threw up the window as he leapt inside, causing the window to shut behind him, preventing any noise from going out.

 _What's going to happen now?_ Ino wondered as she exchanged a glance with her teammates. Perhaps nothing would really happen, Ino mused, or maybe, she thought with a lecherous grin, it would dissolve into a beautiful mess of shounen ai instead!

 _~~~~~~~~Naruto~~~~~~~~_

Naruto huffed angrily as he pulled himself up on the ledge. Just who did Sasuke think he was, overreacting and throwing him out the window? That was just wrong, and every cell in his body could agree on that. Not to mention, it was totally weird and unexpected. Seriously, it was like Sasuke had turned into Sakura for a moment, his reaction was that weird. It just wasn't supposed to happen.

In fact, Sasuke had been weird all day. Okay, maybe not all day, but definitely since that accidental kiss. He made Sakura sit beside him, and while Naruto knew that she was awesome, Sasuke didn't think so. And then he had disappeared as soon as Iruka had dismissed them for lunch. Seriously, it was downright creepy how fast Sasuke had disappeared. Even Sakura had looked confused – Sasuke was just there one moment, and gone the next.

But even more than that, there was just this feeling that something was fundamentally off about Sasuke, something wrong. Something was telling him things weren't going the way they were supposed to. It made Naruto off balance, and something itched at the back of his mind, like he should know why this was happening. Everything was, obviously, all Sasuke's fault. So there was only one thing to do: beat him up and get the answers!

Which brought him to where he was now, creeping along the ledge. Sasuke always had lunch in one of the empty classrooms, and Naruto was going to sneak in there and do his thing. The window was opened just a crack, barely enough to let air in. Naruto wondered why Sasuke needed to almost close the window to eat lunch. He grinned and carefully peaked through the crack in the window to see the expected sight of Sasuke holding a kunai with the pointy part facing towards himself, aimed at his heart, ready to be plunged in.

Yup, a totally normal sight to see at lunchtime–

Wait, WHAT.

Naruto's thoughts screeched to a halt, watching as Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut and then began to bring down the kunai. Faster than Naruto thought possible, he leapt through the window, deciding to forget his previous plans. After all, he kinda had more important thing to worry about, like oh, why Sasuke had decided to commit suicide all of a sudden.

"Sasuke, you bastard, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" Naruto exclaimed as he landed on Sasuke and knocked away the kunai. They fell on the floor in a tangle of limbs, and Sasuke looked at him with wide eyes. Naruto was pracitcally centimeters away form Sasuke's face, and mindful of what happened earlier, he backed away so what he was only sitting on Sasuke instead.

Sasuke didn't answer, but his lower lip trembled.

Naruto began to get A Very Bad Feeling in his gut. _Oh no–_

A sniffle escaped Sasuke, and his eyes teared up.

 _No, no, no, no, no!_ Naruto thought frantically. What was happening?! Sauske wasn't supposed to cry, he never cried! Naruto didn't even know it was _possible_ for him to start crying. What was Naruto supposed to do now? What did you even do when other guys started crying? He didn't know, and he most certainly wasn't qualified to deal with this!

"Sasuke, don't cry! J-Just man up and deal with this or something. Come on, boys aren't supposed to cry and stuff, you know?" Naruto had no idea what it was that he said, but clearly it was the wrong thing since it made Sasuke actually start sniffling more, and he actually started crying. This situation was so absurd, Naruto had no idea how to deal with this. This wasn't supposed to be happening! _C'mon Naruto, think,_ he thought desperately. What would Sakura-chan do in a situation like this? Naruto blinked, then blanched. Oh shit, Sakura. She had already beat him up so much earlier today because of the kiss, what was she going to do when she found out he had made Sasuke cry? Forget becoming Hokage, she'd kill him first!

"Ahh, dammit, Sasuke, what made you this way?" he lamented, looking heavenward for inspiration.

Sasuke apparently took that as a question, and started babbling in gibberish. But... Naruto could understand it? It wasn't gibberish, he realized, it was English. Man, it had been a long time since he heard that. But, hold on sec, where did he know English from again?

Somewhat confused, he focused on Sasuke's words.

"–thought I could just ignore my problems, that there was no need to freak out, but if I just ignore them, they'll just pile up and how am I supposed to deal with Zabuza, Orochimaru, Chunin Exams, Itachi, goddamned Danzo, Madara, Zetsu, Kaguya and the rest of her alien family and speaking of which if I'm not Sasuke doesn't that mean I'm not Indra's reincarnation either because that would mean Sasuke would never gain Indra's power which would mean that everyone's quite possibly screwed when it comes to Infinite Tsukoyomi? I'm an entirely average person, I'm not qualified to deal with this level of bullshit!" Sasuke said hysterically, tears flowing everywhere. "So I decided to kill myself because either this was a dream and thus I'd wake up, or this was real and if I was dead at least I wouldn't have to deal with all this crap and either way I wouldn't have to deal with this whole self-insert mess anymore!"

"Oh," Naruto said dumbly. _Oh._ Sasuke's words had struck a chord with him, dislodging some very important memories. That's right, he thought. Before he was Naruto, he was someone else. Someone who had watched the story instead of living it. _A self insert, huh?_ Well that made a lot of sense, and explained why Sasuke had been acting so wrong and his persistent feeling of wrongness. But he didn't remember dying or falling into a coma or anything, so how had he ended up here?

"At least, that was the plan until you stopped me," Sasuke glared at him, and whoa, where did the tears disappear to? Meh, at least Naruto had accomplished his goal of stopping Sasuke's crying.

"Why am I even explaining this to you, you don't even understand English," Sasuke muttered. "Just go away so I can go murder myself."

"Actually," Naruto replied, testing out his English, "I think I'm a self insert too."

Sasuke looked at him like he was an idiot. "What do you mean 'you think'? You either are, or you aren't. Which is it, idiot? Or did you lose your brain in the self-inserting process? Is your brain that tiny? Oh wait, I'm sorry, I forgot you don't have one in the first place. My bad."

"Why is it that you can go from an emotional wreck to insulting me in ten seconds flat?" Naruto wondered. To his surprise, Sasuke actually looked mortified.

"I am so sorry, I didn't mean to insult you, you just make it too easy – wait, no that didn't come out right either!" Sasuke said, frustrated, and crap, were those tears gathering at the corner of his eyes again? That had to be stopped at all costs!

"Moving on," Naruto said loudly as he internally wondered why he was having to comfort Sasuke when Sasuke had been the one to insult him, "Dude, you can't just commit suicide and leave me to deal with this insanity alone!"

"Um, yes I can and you can't stop me. Suicide is clearly the best option here, dumbass. First of all, I have basically no real attachments to the people here – aside from some fangirlism tendencies, which honestly isn't that much – and do you realize that there's no anime, internet, fanfiction, books, etc here, at least not the ones we know and love? Do you realize what that means? No finishing your anime, no more fandoms! How do you expect me to survive?!" Sasuke ranted. "And there's the usual death and gloom in naruto-verse as well."

Naruto froze, becoming horrified. "Oh my god, you're right. How do the self inserts do it?"

Sasuke shrugged helplessly. "I have no damn clue, and I don't want to stick around to find out. Anyway, you get my point, so–" Suddenly Sasuke froze, horror dawning on his face.

Naruto blinked, worried. "Er, Sasuke? You okay?"

With a shriek, Sasuke suddenly threw him off to the side. As he felt the wind sweep pass him and then as the hard, unforgiving wood of the wall hit his back, Naruto wondered what he had done to set Sasuke off this time. "Ow," he mumbled as he fell to the floor in a heap.

"You idiot!" Sasuke yelled hysterically at him, now standing up.

 _And now the point where Sasuke starts a fight with me,_ Naruto thought with a grimace as he picked himself. Any moment now, Sasuke should be throwing a punch – so why was he instead slowly backing away and looking at Naruto like he was the second coming of Madara?! Seriously, if anyone was Madara here, it should be Sasuke, not Naruto!

"Dammit, Sasuke, what is it now?" he was with exasperation, wondering why he had to be the mature one. Seriously, he was Naruto. Maturity wasn't a word in his dictionary. Well, to be accurate, he didn't even have a dictionary in the first place.

"Do you not realize the position you just put us in?" Sasuke demanded. "With you sitting over me like that, it was the cliche setting for someone to walk in and misinterpret everything!"

"Well excuse me for trying to save your life," Naruto retorted, miffed. With the way Sasuke was acting, you would have thought that Naruto was trying to kill him or something.

Sasuke scowled. "Look, you have to be a bit more mindful of who we are now. If we're not careful, this could turn into a..." Sasuke shuddered, then continued, "A NaruSasu universe."

"Is that what you're worried about? Sheesh, you don't need to be, I'm like as straight as a ruler," Naruto reassured.

With a glare, Sasuke replied darkly, "There's this thing called a bendy ruler."

"Straight as one of those hard plastic rulers then."

"Plastic can be melted and reshaped!"

"For the love of ramen, why can't you just accept I'm straight?!" Naruto demanded. Honestly, most of the time people had trouble accepting that someone was gay, not that someone was straight. Sasuke was weird.

"Oh yeah?! Well you said you were a self-insert, didn't you? So why the hell did you kiss me if you knew it was going to happen? In fact, I realized I was self-insert after that stupid kiss, so does that mean you're responsible for my situation or something?" Sasuke hissed menacingly.

The room suddenly filled with an oppressive air, and Naruto gulped, watching as Sasuke picked up the kunai he had dropped.

"Hey," Sasuke said quietly, intently, as he casually flipped the kunai in his hand, "If you kissed me on purpose, if you brought me here on purpose, _I will set all the ramen stands in Konoha on fire."_

Naruto gasped. That was a far crueler threat than he had expected. Sure he hadn't always been Naruto, but ramen was still ramen: the most glorious thing in existence. "You wouldn't dare!"

"I basically care about next to nothing in this world right now," Sasuke said calmly. "And consequences for my actions? I couldn't care less about them."

"But I didn't do anything on purpose, I swear!" Naruto wailed. "I ddin't even realize I was a self-insert until you started talking in English! Just leave my precious ramen stands alone, Sasuke, you cruel bastard!"

Sasuke frowned, but he put away the kunai, apparently believing him. Naruto could have sobbed in relief. Sasuke asked with disappointment, "So I'm guessing you don't know how to go back?"

"Nope."

"Well, then I guess I'm off to murder myself in hopes that that'll wake me up from this nightmare. This time, kindly don't interrupt me," Sasuke told him, and took out the kunai.

Naruto had to stop him somehow. Thinking quickly, he blurted out, "Then I'll just go and release the Kyuubi then." Sasuke had to have some compunctions about indirectly killing the main character, right?

Sasuke gaped at him. "Look I know I'm a genius and you're an idiot incapable of coming up with a half-way decent plan even with help, but that doesn't mean you can copy my plan of suicide! Plus, you'll end up responsible for a lot of deaths that way. A better method would be to like, hang yourself or something."

 _I could strangle him for how earnest he sounds. Does he not even realize he's insulting me and telling me to go die?_ Naruto thought as his eye twitched. He didn't even know why he was trying to save Sasuke. "Kyuubi healing factor, so a half-assed attempt at suicide won't work. Anyway, we don't even know whether we're in canon or in a fanverse. If we're in canon, it probably won't be too bad, but if it's a fanverse... just thinking of the banishment fics or Naruto bashing fics makes me shudder. And that's not even touching the horror of the M-rated fics. Speaking of which, I sort of understand your fear of NaruSasu now..."

Sasuke stiffened. "I don't think I've ever even read a Naruto bashing fic, and according to your memories, were you ever chased and beat up by civilians for practically no reason other than your existence?"

Naruto blinked. "Er, no..."

"Then you're fine. Those kinds of universes usually play up the horror of your childhood," Sasuke said dismissively. "Me, on the other hand. Do you even know how many Sasuke-bashing fics there are? The bashing fics usually start after graduation or the chuunin exams, so unlike you, I don't have a clue to tell me in which universe I am! The fandom is not kind to him, and neither is canon. Whereas in canon, you get married to a beautiful wife and have kids and become Hokage and turn into a respected figure and get your happily ever after, my destiny is to spend three years with a possible pedophile, murder people, kill my brother, lose an arm and not get it fixed, get thrown in prison for probably a year, marry a girl I barely spend time with, wander around the world like some sort of vagrant, and not even recognize my own daughter. You have plot armor, and me? I didn't even exist when Kishimoto first outlined the story. I refuse to continue to exist as such a character! My destiny is so terrible I might as well lie down and die."

"Don't be like that! You have plenty to live for," Naruto protested, desperately trying to salvage the situation. Where was Therapy no Jutsu when you needed it?! "Like, uh, um, yeah! Fangirls. You're liked by a lot girls! You don't have to marry Sakura, and in fact, I'd prefer it if you didn't. You're free to marry whomever you choose. And uh, powerups! You get cool powerups. And, uh... you have a very... _devoted_ brother?"

Sasuke looked at him blankly. "Oh. I didn't tell you. I was actually a girl before, so the fangirl point is kinda useless since I wasn't lesbian."

Naruto blinked. _Hold on, if he's a girl, shouldn't_ I _be the one worried about 'catching' NaruSasu from_ him _since he's the one attracted to guys_ , _and not the other way around?!_ Well, that at least explained Sasuke's extra weirdness. Girls were practically from another planet after all.

Sasuke continued, "And to get the Sharingan, you have to go through emotional trauma, and for the Mangekyou? More murder and trauma! And as for Itachi, Sasuke's 'devoted' brother as you put it, what do you think he'd do to me when he realizes I'm not actually Sasuke?"

"Ah," Naruto realized with a wince. That would not be pretty. "Point taken."

"I'm so glad you understand," Sasuke beamed, and Naruto shuddered. That look was far too strange on Sasuke's face.

"Dude, don't smile. It looks too weird on Sasuke's face," Naruto commented.

The smile quickly morphed into a scowl. _Much better,_ Naruto thought contentedly. _All was once more right in the world._

"Another reason why I shouldn't stay here. Apparently, I'm not allowed to smile here. Well, don't mind that, I'm just going to go murder myself now, excuse me," Sasuke said coolly.

Naruto blanched. All was definitely _not_ right with the world. He didn't want to be alone, damn it. "Sasuke wait! I didn't mean it, I take it back. You can smile if you want, no matter how unnatural it looks. I mean, unnatural as in it's not a sight you see often, not unnatural as in your smile's too weird or creepy. And I'm not lying when I say that! In fact, your smile is actually quite nice to look at!"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at him, unimpressed. "Are you aware that you just dug yourself deeper into a hole with every word you spoke or are you that oblivious? And really, that awkward compliment – 'quite nice to look at' – are you trying to invoke a NaruSasu scene or something? Do I need to defenestrate you again?"

 _What the heck is 'defenestrate'?_ Naruto thought, but guessed it couldn't mean anything good. "Don't you care about Itachi?" he said desperately, knowing that this was the one topic he should not touch, but his options were running out. "Look, if you kill yourself, while yeah, that might mean you might end up back in the real world, that would mean that this world's Sasuke would definitely be dead. Itachi would be absolutely crushed by that wouldn't he?"

Sasuke faltered, clearly not having considered that yet. Sensing an opportunity, Naruto pounced, "And look, if you kill yourself then you might just die, and there's no guarantee that you won't reincarnate like Indra or something. So rather than trying something with so little a chance of success, why don't we try to figure out what brought us here in the first place, and/or come up with some way to go back by using some cool jutsu or something? That way, you'll have a better chance of going back, and in case that doesn't work out or things get too rough, we can commit a double suicide or something."

Sasuke stared at him, then commented, "Okay, now I know for sure that you're a self-insert because no way in hell would Naruto have ever had those thinking capabilities."

Naruto sweat dropped. Why did Sasuke keep insulting him like this?! "But I have a point, right?"

A conflicted look crossed Sasuke's face. "Well, yes, but... Itachi's going to hate me."

"Well, you don't know that for sure. It's not like we asked for this to happen. And maybe we always were Naruto and Sasuke and just remembered now. And if we're not, we'll try to figure what happened to the originals too okay?" Naruto comforted.

"I still don't want to end up with you," Sasuke muttered halfheartedly in protest.

Naruto grinned, "Well, Sasuke bastard, it's not like I want to end up with you either. I'm straight, remember?"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "Fine, but if I reserve the right to defenestrate you if you make any advances," Sasuke threatened.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Whatever. It's not like we need to have a romance, we can have a bromance instead, you know!"

"I'm a girl, you idiot," Sasuke reminded gloomily, "I don't even know how you do a bromance."

"True," Naruto conceded, "But I'm sure we'll figure it out along the way, believe it!" Saying such he flashed Sasuke a million watt smile. Internally, he decided he would never say 'believe it' again. It just didn't have the same awesomeness as 'dattebayo'.

"...no idea what he's doing, does he?" Sasuke muttered something indistinct and dropped to the ground as he buried his face in his hands.

With a roll of his eyes, Naruto offered a hand to Sasuke. "I'm not that bad. C'mon, let's have lunch. We have like, seven minutes left. We can like, plan on what to do and stuff."

Hesitantly, Sasuke took his hand and got up. Noticing they were a bit close now, Naruto took a step back, giving Sasuke some space since he probably cared about that. Or at least, that's what he intended to do. Instead, when he took a step back, his foot landed on top of Sasuke's hitherto unnoticed bento box, causing him to slip backward and fall on the floor, and since he was holding Sasuke's hand, the other boy came down right on top of him.

 _Oh fuck,_ Naruto realized with horror that once more, his lips were connected to Sasuke's. With a shriek, the Sasuke scrambled up and away from Naruto.

 _What did defenestration mean again?_ Naruto too quickly got up, and backed away slowly. "Now, Sasuke, calm down–"

"Defenestration!" Sasuke declared, and faster than Naruto could react, he delivered a swift kick to Naruto's stomach, sending him sailing out the window once more. Huh, okay, that must be what defenestration meant.

As he went flying through the air, Naruto could only lament, _why did I even help that stupid bastard anyway?!_

 _~~~~~~~~Ino~~~~~~~~_

Naruto had spent far too long inside, Ino decided. She was dying to go inside and see what was happening, but she was also afraid that in the time it took for her to go through the building to get to the room, she would miss some important development. So far, all they had heard was some indistinct muffled yelling, and a couple of thumps. _Maybe they kissed again,_ Ino fantasized with glee, _or maybe, oh ho ho, don't tell me they're taking it further? Are their clothes still on, or_ _are they_ _taking it all the way? Kyaaa!_

"Okay, that's it! It's been too long, I'm going to go check it out," Ino declared as she prepared to go inside.

"Why would you want to get involved in something so troublesome?" Shikamaru muttered, but she knew that he had to be just as curious. He had been alert at first, but then relaxed when he realized it wasn't going to be something that would be solved quickly.

Ino rolled her eyes, but before she leave, she heard a scream – Naruto's scream. Perking up, she quickly whipped around to see a blond sailing through the air heading straight towards–

 _Crap, he's going to hit me!_ Ino thought with panic as she quickly side stepped the flying blond, causing him to crash into the floor.

"Thrown out the window again, huh?" Choji said sympathetically, and offered Naruto a chip. Naruto just groaned. "What did you do this time?"

Ino, meanwhile, raked her eyes over Naruto with a frown. _No visible bruises, he doesn't look too disheveled, his lips don't look like anyone's been biting them, but most of all – "_ Damn," Ino cursed grumpily. "He still has his clothes on."

Shikamaru gave her a disturbed look, like he knew exactly what she was thinking, and subtly scooted away.

Ino was too busy mourning her crushed yaoi fantasies to care.

 _~~~~~~~Omake:~~~~~~~~_

The the jounins crowded around the Hokage's crystal ball as they observed this year's genin candidates. The Hokage was talking about them, but Kakashi barely kept an ear on the speech. Well, at least until something amusing happened on the crystal ball, anyway.

"Ah, Naruto's causing trouble again," the Hokage said with a chuckle.

But the accidental kiss wasn't the end of it. Kakashi and the rest of them watched as Naruto got beat up by fangirls, and watched further as the Uchiha boy finally recovered, and then, to the amusement of many, threw the Uzumaki boy out the window.

Kakashi blinked. _That's supposed to be my team?_ He thought dubiously. _Well, at least I know which one to_ not to _use the Thousand Years_ _of_ _Pain Jutsu on._

 ** _~~~~~~~~~~Answer:_ _We have no clue, so let's have a bromance instead.~~~~~~~~~~_**

 _Thank to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and followed my stories. It's always nice to know I was able to make someone smile, even if I'm not always able to reply. ^_^ Further reviews, favorites, and follows will of course be appreciated. Even if don't review, if you liked this story please consider checking out another story of mine, Meet Your Matchmakers ( s/12204993/1/Meet-Your-Matchmakers). It's about Sasuke desperately trying to protect Itachi's virtue. Give it try, it's my baby._

 _(I may or may not be doing NaNoWriMo for this. It took me six days to write 6K words, so we'll see how successful I am.)_

 _thanks for reading,_

 _ketsui meraki_

Question: What did you like/hate about this chapter?


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: That one story where there's a double self-insert, and Naruto contemplates self-destruction while Sasuke wonders whether suicide is a better option than facing the shitstorm up ahead and both decide to have a bromance instead.

Dsiclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

Warnings: Mentions of suicide, self-inserts, comic relief kissing, gender confusion. Not necessarily in that order.

Me, during this chapter: GODDAMNIT SASUKE, stop invading in with all your angst. Just look what you did to Naruto, that precious ball of sunshine.

 _ **~~~~~Chapter 2: How to Pass a Bell Test~~~~~**_

"Ah, sorry about this, but can you guys wait for your sensei here? I have to go teach another class," Iruka-sensei said regretfully, looking longingly at Sasuke, who hid a shudder. _Thank god he's going away. I don't want to get recruited into being a ninja teacher!_ The man had waited an hour with them, but Kakashi still hadn't arrived.

"Sure thing, Iruka-sensei! Don't worry about it," Naruto assured cheerfully, standing up from his desk and all but shoving Iruka out the door.

Sasuke stared at him, his face resting in his arms. While he didn't quite have a good grasp on his comrade-in-suffering-insanity's personality yet, it was ridiculous how well he adjusted to the whole process. If Sasuke didn't know any better, he would have never known anything had changed. Unlike Sasuke, who's character was definitely easier to imitate, and yet he had already messed things up.

Case in point, Sakura.

"Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun! We're teammates now, Sasuke-kun, so let's get to know each other better. What's your favorite food, Sasuke-kun? Are it tomatoes? You seem to eat a lot of those. Mine are umeboshi. Hey, Sasuke-kun, what do you say we go out to have dinner together today? We can talk even more then."

...And so on. It seemed that inviting Sakura to sit beside him before and not telling her off during lunch like he had in canon had some unfortunate side-effects. He didn't dislike Sakura, per say, but how did one deal with such fangirlism? He didn't want to harshly tell her off like he would've before since he himself had been a fangirl, but he didn't want to encourage her either. What was he supposed to do now? He couldn't handle this for much longer, he had already listened to it for the past hour! While she had been mercifully quiet while Iruka had been here, she had talked nonstop ever since he left. Sasuke almost wished the demon was back. Speaking of demons...

He glared at Naruto, who was sitting entirely relaxed on one of the benches, head resting on his crossed arms as he dozed. How nice for him that he could just tune out Sakura and nap. ' _Damn it, Naruto! Do your main character duties and saveeee meeeee!'_

Naruto jerked. "Eh?! Save what from who?!"

Sasuke blinked, dropping his arms to his lap. Had he said that aloud?

"What are you talking about now, Naruto?" Sakura asked in exasperation turning to face him from where she was seated beside Sasuke. Okay, so he hadn't said it aloud then. But then how had Naruto known his thoughts? _Don't tell me–_

Naruto looked at Sakura in confusion, then looked at Sasuke. "But Sakura-chan, Sas–"

' _Shut up, Naruto,'_ Sasuke ordered, testing his theory, looking straight at Naruto. His lips did not move.

Naruto's mouth shut with a click, and he looked at Sasuke with his eyes wide. _'Oh my god, you stupid bastard, did you just unlock some secret Uchiha telepathy jutsu?! No fair, I want awesome power-ups too. '_

Sasuke frowned and stood up. _'I can hear you, idiot. Yes to the telepathy, no to the secret Uchiha jutsu,'_ he replied to Naruto as he approached the door.

"Sasuke-kun, where are you going? Is Naruto annoying you?" Sakura fretted, standing up.

Sasuke's lips pursed as he opened the door. "Don't follow me." _'I'm trying to test the limits of apparent connection. Stay here, Naruto, and see if you can't telepathy with Sakura.'_

 _'Sure, but you don't have to be mean to Sakura, you know,'_ Naruto shot back, sitting down.

 _'No, I just have to imitate a traumatize emo character who hates everyone,'_ Sasuke sniped as he slammed shut the door.

Naruto paused. _'Point taken.'_

"But Sasuke-kun–"

He didn't hear the rest of Sakura's words. There was a water fountain at the end of the hall, and Sasuke decided to go there. Maybe some water would calm his high strung nerves. He took a long drink, then asked Naruto, ' _Can you hear me?'_

 _'Loud and clear,'_ Naruto chirped back. _'No luck with Sakura yet though. You wanna try?'_

 _'I've been mentally yelling at her to stop talking to me for the past hour with no luck,'_ Sasuke deadpanned.

Naruto snickered.

 _'Laugh it up while you can, usuratonkachi,'_ Sasuke hissed and started going back. 'J _ust wait until you turn into a hero and start getting chased by your own fangirls. By then, I'll be persona non grata and freeee!'_

 _'Only you would consider getting bombarded by girls a bad thing. Seriously,– OW!'_

Naruto's mental yelp was punctuated by a vocal one, one Sasuke heard very clearly despite being in the hallway. Amused, he quickened his pace and slid open the door to see Naruto clutching his nose with both arms like he had been hit.

"Damn it, Naruto! Quit staring at me and making weird faces, you idiot," Sakura yelled at him.

"I was only trying to make a connection with you, Sakura-chan," he mumbled, then sent a glare at Sasuke. _'This is what I get for trying telepathy with Sakura, so I think we can firmly conclude that no, we can't do it with other people.'_

 _"_ Ah! Sasuke-kun, you're back," Sakura beamed at him, a total one-eighty from her anger only moments before.

Sasuke held back a shudder, and slid into his spot on the bench. That level of devotion was scary. What if Sakura decided to kidnap him and tie him up and do who knows what? Sure it hadn't happened in canon, but that didn't mean it couldn't happen now. He needed to deal with the problem of Sakura, one way or another, and soon, lest unspeakable things ended up happening to him.

"Hey, hey, you know what, we should prank our sensei! He totally deserves it for being so late," Naruto suddenly said, bouncing back up with a wide grin on his face.

Well, if Kakashi was just going to go along with their pranks to make them underestimate him... "Iruka-sensei keeps clear tape in his drawer," Sasuke remarked, but made no move to get up from where he was slouched. Plausible deniability, after all.

"Eh? What? Do you want me to tape Naruto's mouth shut, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked, confused. Naruto looked at him questioningly.

"No," Sasuke answered curtly, and met Naruto's gaze. _'If you put the tape from one end of the door frame to another near the bottom, you might be able to get Kakashi to trip over it, or at the very least get tape on his shoes or something.'_

Naruto brightened. "Brilliant idea, Sasuke!" he praised, then immediately started on it.

Sakura looked between the two of them, confused. "What?"

Afraid of encouraging her, Sasuke didn't bother replying, And Sakura soon found herself distracted. "Naruto, hey! What do you think you're doing?" Sakura yelled at him as he finished setting up the eraser.

"Preparing the prank, obviously," Naruto said with a roll of his eyes as he walked over to Iruka's desk and began searching for the tape. He found it easily, and made a triumphant noise as he waved it.

Sakura scoffed, and asked skeptically, "You really think a jounin's gonna fall for that, Naruto?"

Naruto grinned and shared a look with Sasuke. They both know better after all. Cheerfully humming a little tune, he began taping.

"Hey, Naruto! Stop it already," Sakura protested though she made no move to stop him. "I'm sure that's not what Sasuke meant when he talked about the tape."

"I meant that," Sasuke said blandly.

"EH?!" Sakura exclaimed, shocked.

He hid a smirk behind his hands. This was almost fun.

"Done! You wanna contribute anything, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked, stepping back to look at his work.

Sakura hesitated, clearly torn between playing the good girl and joining her teammates, but before she could make a decision, the door slid open.

Sasuke's eyes widened, and his heart pretty nearly stopped. _I'm fucked,_ he thought faintly.

 _~~~~~~~~~~Naruto~~~~~~~~~~_

Naruto burst out laughing. It had been funny in the anime, and it was even funnier in person. Kakashi looked so dead, a hundred percent done with them already, and the poor guy was going to have to put up with them for so much longer if Naruto had anything to say about it. "Ahaha! I can't believe you actually fell for it!"

Kakashi had stumbled over the tape too, but had caught himself on the door frame before he fell. Just seeing the tape hanging off Kakashi's shoes made Naruto grin. He hadn't expected Sasuke to contribute, but he certainly appreciated it. He looked over at his rival to see how he felt, but Sasuke looked a bit troubled.

"I'm really sorry about this sensei! I tried to stop th-him, but Naruto just did it anyway," Sakura fretted.

Kakashi gave her an unimpressed look, like he knew perfectly well that she had barely tried to stop him. "My first impression of you guys," he began as he picked up the eraser and peeled off the tape. "Is that I hate you."

Naruto wrinkled his nose, shooting an unimpressed face right back at Kakashi.

"Meet me on the roof," the man said abruptly, then disappeared.

"Rude," Naruto muttered, eyeing the empty doorway resentfully.

Sakura glared at him. "You are a terrible influence," she declared with a sniff, marching out.

"Aw, you know you love me," Naruto said teasingly as he followed. He paused in the doorway, then sent a questioning glance at Sasuke, who still hadn't moved from his seat on the table. "Oi, you following or not, bastard?"

"Y-yeah," Sasuke replied, seemingly distracted, but he got up anyway.

Naruto blinked, then shrugged, jogging to catch up with Sakura. Whatever Sasuke's problem was, it wasn't any of his business. Unless Sasuke made it his problem. Which, considering he was Sasuke, who could probably be officially crowned the queen of melodrama, was very likely. Naruto paled, imagining Sasuke having another breakdown, except this time in front of everyone, which would obviously result in some very uncomfortable questions and a possible visit to Ibiki. Crap, that made Sasuke's problems his problems. Why did he have to be the main character?! Hesitantly, he asked, glancing back at his rival, _'Sasuke, please tell me that you're not upset about realizing that Kakashi has a Sharingan and thus you're_ _not_ _going to have mental breakdown and try to murder him are you?'_

Sasuke gave him a scandalized look. _'What?! Are you crazy, I could_ never _do that to someone with such fluffy hair!_ _It's just –fuck,_ _why does he have to look even cuter in person?!'_

Naruto choked, stumbling and nearly bumping into Sakura, and sent Sasuke a wide-eyed look.

The boy was pale, avoiding his gaze, and from his grimace Naruto guessed he dearly regretting saying anything. _'...So, erm, we might have a problem.'_

Naruto snickered, earning a suspicious look from Sakura. _'You're a Kakashi-fangirl? That's_ _just – there's something really ironic about someone being hounded by fangirls being a fangirl himself_ _.'_ No wonder Sasuke had looked off kitler before.

"What are you laughing about, Naruto?" Sakura demanded with annoyance, tightly gripping the railing of the stairwell.

"Nothing, Sakura-chan. Just thought of something funny," Naruto replied innocently, smiling at her until she turned back. _'Though if you're a fangirl, why're you afraid of Sakura_ _and the rest_ _?'_

 _'_ _My sweet summer child, it is precisely because I am a fangirl that I know exactly what terrifying horrors await me,'_ Sasuke retorted. _'And it's not my fault Kakashi is_ _so_ _much cooler in person,_ _okay?!'_

 _'This must be karma because you gave_ _me_ _the idea to trip him,'_ Naruto mused. _'Instead of tripping him, you tripped yourself into falling in love with him, hehe!'_

 _'I-it's just_ _temporary_ _!_ _I was surprised, that's all._ _It'll go away soon enough,'_ Sauske shot back, but his cheeks were tinged pink.

Smirking, Naruto sing-songed, _'Kakashi and Sasuke, sitting on a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G–'_

 _'Shut up!'_ Sasuke snapped at him. ' _What do you think will happen if he notices we're out of character? IF you don't quit bothering me about this, I'll end up acting even more ooc, then I'll be dragged to T &I and interrogated and kidnapped by ROOT and brutally tortured for information before being sold to Orochimaru and have my eyes gouged out and–'_

Naruto peevishly cut him off, disturbed, ' _Okay, okay! Sheesh, paranoid much?'_

Sasuke gave him a flat look. _'I'm sorry, remind me who's family got murdered on the orders of the village again? IT'S NOT PARANOIA IF THEY'RE OUT TO GET YOU.'_

Glaring, Naruto grumpily replied, _'We're twelve. I think you're being a little too paranoid. But fine, I'll back off–'_

Smack!

"Ow, Sakura-chan, what was that for?!" Naruto yelped, theatrically clutching his stomach.

"You kept making weird faces at my back at the way here _and_ you just glared at Sasuke-kun. You better not be so annoying in front of sensei, you hear?" Sakura threatened, hands of her hips and her eyes narrowed. Blinking, Naruto realized they have reached the door to the roof already.

"Got it," Naruto said quickly once Sakura raised her fist threateningly again.

Sakura smiled sweetly at him. "I'm so glad we had this talk," she chirped, then turned to enter the roof.

 _'First there was your crush on Kakashi then there was Sakura's crush on you – why do I keep having to suffer because of your love life?!'_ Naruto complained.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and shoved him through the door.

 _~~~~~~~~~~Kakashi~~~~~~~~~~_

"You're two minutes late," Kakashi deadpanned, curiously wondering how they'd react.

Sasuke twitched, but his face quickly transformed into one of blankness, and the other two bristled. Naruto yelled back, pointing an accusing finger at him, "Yeah, well. At least we weren't two hours late, unlike a certain someone who must not be named!"

The other boy's lips briefly twitched upwards at that. Interesting, an inside joke, perhaps? But Kakashi hadn't been aware of any bond between them. And yet, the tape on the door, too, was a bit subtle for Naruto. And Sakura had started to say 'them' instead of just accusing Naruto, hadn't she? So it seemed that two could cooperate somewhat, at least when it came to a common enemy. "Well, let's not dwell on the small matters. Why don't you midgets get seated and introduce yourself?"

Naruto gave him one last glare, but seated himself on the steps nonetheless. The other two followed, Sasuke sitting the farthest away from him with Sakura in the middle.

Their introductions were interesting, to say in the least. Kakashi wasn't sure whether they had taken their cue from his intentionally vague answer and thus gave vague insubstantial introductions, or if their personalities were just like that.

"My likes is, um..." Cue giggle and side glance at Sasuke. "My hobbies..." Cue giggle and side glance at Sasuke. "My dream..." Cue intense giggle and squeal. "And my dislikes know perfectly well that I dislike them." Cue glare at Naruto, who pouted.

"I like, no, love ramen! I dislike the time iI'm not able to eat ramen! My hobby is eating ramen! My dream is to become Hokage so that I can declare a National Ramen Day and make Konoha the Ramen Capital of the world!"

Okay, someone needed to drag that Uzumaki away from his ramen. At least when he failed he could become a ramen chef instead.

"My dislikes are annoyances. My likes are not your concern. Neither are my hobbies. My dream for the future..." Here there was a pause, a faltering in Sasuke that made Kakashi's eyes sharpen. Was that... uncertainty he saw? Then Sasuke's eyes hardened, and he finished, "Is most _definitely_ not your concern."

Well, this group was interesting. It was almsot a pity that it was practically a guarantee that they would fail.

 _~~~~~~~~Naruto~~~~~~~~~_

RINNNGGGG!

Blearily, Naruto reached out and shut off the alarm on his bedside table. With a soft sigh, he burrowed further under his blanket. _Kakashi would be late anyway..._ he thought sleepily as he drifted off into sleep.

RIIIINNNNGG!

Naruto jerked awake, and then clumsily reached downwards and shut it off. Wait, _down_ ward? Had he thrown his alarm off the table before? Meh, whatever, he'd think about that later. Sleep came first, and he lazily drifted off...

RING!

Irritated, Naruto turned around and grumpily turned on the alarm on his bed. He paused. On his bed? How on earth had the alarm jumped from the floor to his bed?

And he got the nagging feeling he was forgetting something important...

Pfft, whatever. Five more minutes of sleep couldn't hurt right? Mmm, sleep.

 _RING!_

Naruto growled, then promptly winced as an alarm fell on face. Where the hell had that come from? This was getting too confusing to think about, he decided as he shut the alarm off again. He wondered if he would be able to get any significant amount of sleep before the snooze–

Wait a minute – his alarm didn't have snooze.

His eyes snapped open, and he threw off his blanket.

Wide eyes flickered across his room, mouth falling open. This could only mean one thing. "This has got to be a nightmare."

He promptly fell back down to the bed, determined to reach the sweet bliss of sleep this time for sure.

RING!

He pressed his hands to his ears.

RING!

He would not get up.

RING!

He would not – oh, fuck it. Unhappily, he trudged out of bed and shut of the alarm. One alarm, of the, oh, twenty six that were currently occupying his room. Scowling, he began to systematically turn off every single one of them.

There could only be one person responsible for this...

He was going to kill Sasuke.

' _Oi, Sasuke-bastard! What the fuck did you do to my apartment?!'_ Naruto snapped across their mental connection.

 _'Oh, you're awake already? That's good. I was worried you might be late with your attitude yesterday, so I took some precautions,'_ came Sasuke's reply. _'Um, sorry about any resulting trauma?'_

Naruto scowled. After Kakashi's announcements yesterday, they had a short mental discussion on what to do, but Sasuke had insisted on more or less following the canon timeline just in case T&I came after them. _'I thought you refused to meet up yesterday because your apartment was probably bugged and mine was probably a shithole? How could you stand to come here then?'_

 _'But then I realized that since you knew Kakashi would be late, you might show up late, then Kakashi would be pissed and suspicious, and then he'd declare that an investigation on us was necessary, then we'd be dragged off to T &I and die, so I tried to tell you but you were asleep, so I _had _to take precautions. Besides, I cleaned up your apartment a little, so it's not completely a shit hole anymore. Also, I took some of your bombs as a souvenir. Hope you don't mind. Main character merchandise, you know?'_

Blinking, he realized, that his apartment, did in fact look a little neater. "Huh, thanks, Sasuke." _'And I don't mind about the bombs. Though if you took something expensive, you better pay me back.'_

 _'Yeah, sure. Thanks, Naruto. Anyway, get here soon, alright?'_ Sasuke added. _'And don't break the alarms, I need to use them on Kakashi if he keeps up his procrastinating habit.'_

Naruto sighed, wondering if Sasuke was worried about maintaining the timeline, why on earth he had broken into the house of someone he wasn't supposed to care about and had proceeded to clean up his place.

Naruto blinked. It couldn't be...was Sasuke... a tsundere?

He smirked. That meant, it was up to him to get Sasuke and Kakashi together. After all, if Sasuke had a boyfriend, he'd be less worried about NaruSasu and stop bothering Naruto, _and_ he would be less paranoid because he'd be getting laid, and he'd less inclined to commiting suicide because he wouldn't want to break Kakashi's heart!

This plan was perfect, he thought happily, chuckling as he rubbed his hand together. Now, to plan the specifics...

 _~~~~~~~~~Sasuke~~~~~~~~~_

He was the first to arrive. It wasn't unexpected, but something about it, the stillness, the emptiness of there being no one when there should have been _some_ one, rubbed him the wrong way. He hoped Naruto, or heck, even Sakura would arrive soon.

Grimacing, he pulled himself up to a tree branch, marveling with the ease his body moved. Marginally better, now that he had his back to a tree and was hidden in its leaves.

Wasn't Zetsu able to move through plants?

Holding back a growl, he contemplated jumping back to the ground.

...Fuck Kishimoto for ruining everything.

His family, his brother, sticking him with Orochimaru in god knew where, the _stupid_ Sharingan requirements, and god, not even letting the characters have a happy ending but adding a sequel and even _more_ ridiculous stuff.

And people called Sasuke an emo for that.

It's not like he could help it! Being broody and a nervous, paranoid wreck was just the normal response in the face of things like that. Honestly, he considered it a miracle his mental state hadn't been worse.

"Naruto doesn't seem to have any problems, though," he muttered to himself.

That was a fair point, but it was _Naruto._ He had the main character perk.

Still though, how could that idiot not be more worried about their situation? He himself couldn't even sleep last night, instead raiding his clan compound for any hints about space-time ninjutsu.

He had found a few scrolls, but they were beyond his understanding, so he had grudgingly put them aside and practiced his chakra control instead.

It had been implied, or maybe it was a fan theory, that chakra control correlated with the female sex, and he needed to a way to hold on to his absent femininity, damn it. Also he just refused to let his control be on Naruto's level, plain and simple, remembering it had taken Sasuke nearly the same amount of time as Naruto to learn the tree climbing trick.

And Naruto would be ridiculously OP anyways, and it wasn't like Sasuke was planning on getting the Rinnegan, Eternal Mangekyou, or even normal Mangekyou anytime soon. Who was he supposed to murder for it anyway? It's not like he was particularly close to anyone in this world.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura chirped up at him, ridiculously cheery for the early morning.

Sasuke wondered whether that enthusiasm would last for the next four hours or however long Kakashi took to show up.

Sakura looked at him expectantly, and for a moment his mind flailed as it tried to come up with an appropriate response. How do you greet someone, how do you greet a fangirl, how do you – wait, he was Sasuke. When in doubt,–

"Hn."

Sakura beamed.

 _Passed,_ Sasuke discretely breathed a sigh of relief.

"So Sasuke-kun, I was thinking you and I could go eat out somewhere, all in the name of team bonding of course. I hear that a new restaurant opened up near the east market, do you want to try out the food there? It would be–"

If he didn't deal with her now, he wouldn't be getting any peace and quiet today would he?

He quickly hatched a plan.

"Sakura," He began emotionlessly. "You're weak."

"Eh?" Sakura faltered.

Sasuke continued, "So take–"

 _~~~~~~~~Naruto~~~~~~~~_

 _Remember, Naruto. You must_ not _break canon. Don't worry about the little details, but try to maintain the major stuff, otherwise a butterfly might flap its wings and we might end up in a war with Kiri or fuck knows what. So remember, till we do any thorough planning, DO NOT BREAK CANON._

–Or at least that's what Sasuke had said.

So what did Naruto do?

He went and broke canon.

Sure, he was ruining an iconic moment in the bell test, but it was for a good cause.

This would lead to Sasuke and Kakashi getting together, which would lead to happy Sasuke, which would lead to Sasuke not bothering Naruto, which would lead to a happy ending for everyone!

...Except maybe Sakura. _Ops,_ he thought guiltily, but Sasuke wasn't attracted to girls anyway, so that pathway was doomed to failure.

Anyway, Naruto focused on the paln picturing it. _It_ would happen, then Sasuke would get flustered, and then Kakashi would find out about the crush, then there'd be a soul crushing moment where Kakashi rejected Sasuke, leading Sasuke to look like a sad kitten, and though Kakashi would valiantly resist, he would be unable to forget the look of eternal despair on Sasuke's face, and of course Naruto would encourage them both from the sidelines, and then inevitably, beautifully, they would end up together.

Naruto nearly shed a tear at that.

The only problem with his plan was the age gap, but hey, it always worked in fanfiction, and their situation was ridiculous enough that they were probably in a fanfiction, so it would work out, right?

 _Now!_

 _This was the moment,_ Naruto thought giddily with a smirk, then moved his hands through the symbols.

Ram, Boar, Ox, Dog, Snake – Kawarimi No Jutsu.

 _I wish you all the best in your love life, Sasuke._

 _~~~~~~~~Kakashi~~~~~~~~_

 _And this one's the one that initiated the sexual harassment,_ Kakashi thought idly, putting his fingers in the tiger seal and taking aim. "One Thousand Years of Death," he intoned, feeling a little mischievous.

Then came an unexpected moment as Naruto quickly went through the motions of a Kawarimi. Kakashi was a little disappointed, realizing the Kawarami would occur before before his jutsu would hit, but lazily decided to continue the motion since he had started.

However, what was unpected was the tuft of black hair appearing amidst in smoke, making him jerk his hand back as he realized who had taken Naruto's place.

But alas, it was too late.

Kakashi's aim struck true, and his effort to stop only served to reduce the force a little. As a result, the One Thousand Years of Death still hit someone who was very much not Uzumaki Naruto, but rather one Uchiha Sasuke, sending him flying off into the distance.

In the distance, Sakura gasped and Naruto chuckled.

 _What the hell just happened?_ Kakashi thought, a little stunted. Naruto had done the seals for a Kawarimi, then he went _there,_ and Sasuke showed up over _here._ His senses were telling him Naruto had used Kawarimi to switch places with Sasuke, but that _wasn't supposed to be possible._

One living human being switching places with another was impossible, that was just how the Kawarimi worked, so what, and more importantly how, had it happened?

He was jerked out of his thoughts by an intense Killing Intent.

Ah right, Sasuke was the one who reacted badly to sexual harassment. Ops.

He paused for a minute to admire the sheer amount of hatred, intent, and desperation that must have been needed to fuel such raw desire to murder. He observed the boy, seeing the rage pouring off him, the clenched fist, the silent yet somehow menacing footsteps, that famous Uchiha glare, complete with the hellish red eyes–

He paused. There was something distinctly wrong with that statement.

 _Holy fuck, are you telling me he reacted that badly to a little touch that he activated the fucking Sharingan?! That's screwed up._

"No one will notice if Naruto accidentally dies, right? I must protect Sasuke-kun's virtue after all..." a mumble came from somewhere in the bushes.

Okay great, he could deal with this. Minato's son could make jutsu do impossible things, Itachi's kid brother was evidently enough of a nervous wreck to activate the Sharingan, and the civvie kid was apparently plotting the murder of a jinchurikii due to someone's insulted virtue.

"How this not the beginning of a joke?" he muttered to himself, ducking as a spike of killing intent indicated Sasuke's shuriken barrage.

"You said to come with killing intent, so no one'll mind if you die right?" Sasuke asked, politely at that, though his eyes still screamed murder.

"Sasuke?" came Naruto's confused mutter, barely reaching Kakashi's ears.

 _And Naruto probably thinks this is one big prank,_ Kakashi considered, _I should probably make an effort to calm_ _Sasuke_ _down. Maybe let him vent a little?_

Yeah, a little taijutsu match should help Sasuke work out his frustrations, and calm him down. Yup, Kakashi could indeed be a nice, considerate sensei–

Whoa, Sasuke wasn't kidding around; that kunai would have chopped of his family jewels if he hadn't been careful. He engaged a little more in taijutsu with Sasuke, blocking the kid's blows with ease, though he reluctantly found himself a little impressed with the palaptable rage emanating from the boy.

Maybe a little distance?

Wait no, bad idea, fireball fireball!

 _It may be that Sasuke is indeed plotting my murder,_ Kakashi mourned.

"Now," Sasuke uttered and damnit, flaming shuriken came _out_ of the fireball, Kakashi dodging as he put his hands together for a Kawarimi while still shielded by the light of the fireball, and –

Wait a moment, something was coming at him from his blind side, he turned his head – Explosive?! - _who threw that –_ Damnit, he couldn't leave if Sasuke would get caught in the blast, the boy was too invested in his murder right now to even think of dodging– he reached out towards Sasuke, eye tracking the explosive, counting the seconds and then just grabbing hold of the boy's arm when - _flash-_ blinding his eyes and loosening his hold on the boy for just a moment – but it was enough.

 _It had been a flash bomb._

As his vision cleared, Sasuke eyed him balefully, bells in hand, Sakura came out from her hiding place to meet him.

Kakashi was mildly impressed. So Sasuke wasn't as recklessly emotionally oriented as he first appeared. He began cheerfully, "So you've got the bells–"

Sasuke again threw the kunai at him, aimed straight at his family jewels. Kakashi dodged without much effort.

"Now that's just rude," Kakashi muttered, but relaxed at the sight of Sasuke's one tomoe eyes vanishing into black.

"You were right Sasuke-kun," Sakura chattered excitedly. "I may be weak, but with the right tools, like Naruto's fake explosive flash bomb, I can make a difference."

Kakashi blinked, with not a little horror. No, it couldn't be. And yet... Had they worked as a team?! How could this be possible? Did that mean Kakash had to take on a genin team?

 _No, there's still hope,_ Kakashi mused as Naruto cautiously approached. _If they try to keep the bells to themselves, I can still fail them. Yes!_

"Sasuke?" Naruto asked hesitantly, a little terrified.

The boy growled, then, as quick as lightning, grabbed Naruto by the collar. Sasuke tossed one bell towards Sakura, who caught it with some confusion, then shoved the other one into Naruto's mouth. "Take the damn bell and fucking _choke_ on it!" Sasuke snarled, then kneed Naruto in the stomach before he began to stomp off.

No, that couldn't be allowed to happen!

Kakashi flickered behind Sasuke and reached out a hand. "Wait, Sasuke."

Sasuke spun around, slapping aside his hand. "Don't touch me," Sasuke said harshly, but Kakashi couldn't bring himself to care about the rude tone. The red was back, but Sasuke's eyes were wet with unshed tears, and he watched as the boy took a step back, closing his eyes.

When he opened them again, the red had faded to black.

"Just give the bells to those two," Sasuke muttered, then turned around, intending to go off somewhere.

"Sasuke–"

"I am _not_ staying in this team," Sasuke said flatly, and something in his tone was final enough that it made Kakashi decide not to press the issue.

He turned back to the other two, who sported twin looks of horror, glancing first at him then at each other. He couldn't even open his mouth before they declared throwing the bells at him,

"Like fucking hell I'm leaving him behind!"

"I am not advancing without Sasuke-kun!"

They both glared at him defiantly, arms crossed, before they, too turned to follow Sasuke.

Cute, and deadly, clearly.

 _I'm going to have to pass them, aren't I?_ Kakashi thought with resignation.

"Hold on, you two. Naruto, I'd like an explanation about that little... switch before," Kakashi said casually.

Naruto eyed him guiltily. "I just Kamirami'd with Sasuke because, well–"

"Idiot, you can't Kawarimi with another living being, that just isn't possible," Sakura rolled her eyes. "If you're going to lie, at least come up with one that's reasonable. That's just common sense."

Finally, someone who spoke sense.

Naruto just gave her a confused glance. "I did, though...?"

"What possessed you to do such a thing?" Kakashi pressed, deciding to ignore Naruto's impossibilities for now.

"Erm, that is, well, I just wanted Sasuketogetclosetoyou," Naruto said in barely audible rush.

Sakura huffed, crossing her arms. "That doesn't even make any sense! And what's with that wording, honestly? It sounds like you were trying to get them together, which wound be ridiculous unless Sasuke-kun had a crush on Kakashi-sensei or something–"

Naruto gave Sakura a wide-eyed look that she missed, but Kakashi caught it.

 _Oh no._

"He does, doesn't he?" Kakashi muttered in horror. Sakura didn't catch it, still in the middle of her tirade to Naruto, but the boy frantically shook his head.

"I'll be going now, bye!" Naruto squeaked before he started running off. Kakashi let him go too.

Sakura eyed him disdainfully. "Well, I'm certainly not staying alone with you."

Ouch. Right in his heart, it hit, it did.

"Oh right," Kakashi remembered belatedly. "You all pass, by the way. Tell the other two team meeting tomorrow at eight, alright?"

Sakura blinked. "What?" she asked, baffled.

But well, considering the disappearing acts the other two had pulled, Kakashi was hardly going to let Sakura pull a disappearing act too. So there was only one option left: Kakashi had to disappear first! He left with a Shunshin, then chuckled at Sakura's confusion and misfortune.

 _~~~~~~~~Naruto~~~~~~~~_

 _Sasuke? Sasuke please, I'm sorry so please tell me you're okay._

Naruto had fucked up.

 _Sasuke? Sasuke, c'mon._

Naruto had well and truly fucked up.

 _Sasuke please._

He didn't know how he had forgotten that Sasuke was a _girl,_ and a prudish girl at that, when the whole plan had been based on the fact that Sasuke being a girl who had a crush on Kakashi, but he had forgotten and he had fucked up.

He had seen the Sharingan activate, Sakura had been too far away to see, but he had and he knew what it meant.

The sharingan activated under severe emotional distress, and yes, while he did think Sasuke's reaction was weird, that didn't change the fact that he had hurt him. It may have been intended as harmless prank with hopefully good side effects, but all he had done was muck everything up instead. And considering the state Sasuke had been in yesterday...

Naruto was worried.

Even more than that, he was worrying about worrying.

 _Are you worrying about him because he's a friend?_

Or.

 _Are you worrying because you don't want to be **alone**?_

Naruto's breath caught, something like glass in his throat. It didn't matter, he told himself, words catching and choking on glass shards. He pushed past the pain. It. Didn't. Matter.

It didn't change the fact that Sasuke wasn't replying to him.

It didn't change the fact that Sasuke got _hurt._

It didn't change anything.

And so it didn't matter. What mattered now was making sure Sasuke was okay, and apologizing and making up before something drastic happened.

Naruto hurried on to Sasuke's apartment.

~~~~~~~~Omake~~~~~~~~

"So, Hokage-sama, you should probably know that Naruto can apparently Kawarimi with other humans."

'Hokage blinked. "Ah."

Also, Sasuke activated the Sharingan."

"I see."

"And he's got a crush on me I think."

"Hm."

"And none of them want to be one my team."

"This... could be troublesome."

"And we're not even a Nara."

 _ **~~~~Ans: Follow canon. Wait, no smash it to smithereens instead. ~~~~**_

 _Reviews are love. Also, don't believe anything I say about updating. Ever._


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